So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
