There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I wear drunk well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
