It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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