Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I stole a fireplace last night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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