No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
