Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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