Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
