Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
