Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
