My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
