Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
