is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
