you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
