Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
