I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
