My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
