I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
