plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
