matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
