Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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