Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
