cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
