Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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