out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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