My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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