Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
