He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
