I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
