i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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