I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
