he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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