So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I want to fling myself into the sun
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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