I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
