he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
