my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
