so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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