I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
