Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
