doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
