I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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