Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
