just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
