We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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