do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
