So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
