no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
