i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
