I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
