The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
