Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
