It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
